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My mind is filled with insecurities right now and it's killing me. I've never felt this bad for myself before. It's chewing my soul and making me feel like I'm never good enough. Never good enough as compare to the artist out there, to the girls out there. School's starting in about a month's time, and I doubting my capabilities to make it through, and I can't pull it through. From the start I've know it's gonna be competitive, now I'm stepping one of my feet in, I'm more than afraid that I can't make it. Just like what other people said. It's no longer just as simple as getting a degree, but making a future career with it. It's stressing me out, mentally and soon enough financially strained. 

Something magical happened to me more than a week back. Someone that I've long wanted came into my life. Maybe it's too early to say that he's the one, but right now I just want him in my life. But having him brings me a lot of insecurities. It just happen outta the blue, and makes me feel afraid that it's gonna just end in a few weeks or months time just like all the others. Or maybe I'm just afraid of losing the hope I have in him. And I know once this hope diminish, it's gonna be tough to build or find it back in my life. How could something so good happen to sucha cunt. I just feel like someone like he deserve better. I'm feeling insecure about my past, that I never thought it would affect me this badly. I thought whatever that happen, not a single soul would be affected by it. But it did affect me, and I know deep inside it affects him too. It affects on how he sees me. And it doesn't feel good to be judged, just because of the past. I know it's shameful and hideous, but I can't seem to change them because it has already been a part of me. But one thing I can say for sure, I'm definitely different now. It doesn't affect me greatly that other people are judging me, but it affects me when it's indirectly associated to him. It's really making me feel that, I'm not good enough for him. And maybe it was a mistake to begin with. To be handling with such bullshit gossips. I mean they're unnecessary, but people's still gonna talk right. So many better, prettier girls out there, why would he choose to be stick with me. Because I can't find a good reason, good characteristics about myself that's worth him staying. 

And running away is always my way of handling things that I don't want to face. 

But I can't run away from my dream, I can't run away from him. I don't want to do that.