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  Haven't been feeling right recently. Sometimes I just wanna break down and cry, and whine about how life is so unfair and what it had offered me. Things and more things I've to go through, with every problem leaves a greater impact on me. I don't know how much more I can take till I finally decide to give up on my life. I can feel myself on the edge trying to save myself, but how much energy do I have left, to continue struggling, to continue hanging on, to finally have a warm embrace to let me know that everything's gonna be fine. When I was 9, I knew I was different. I knew that I've to work extra hard, to provide for myself and I have to be responsible for my family. Reality hits me at a young age. I was already planning about getting jobs, how to plan my money wisely, but sadly, I couldn't put it to action. I didn't work hard for it to happen, because what can a young girl do at such age? And yet tormented by the issue till this very age, emotionally abused, tortured since then. Why? Why do I have to know? Why am I part of this pain? At 14, a fatal incident which led to death happens. I gotta admit I have fault in it. I led it to happened, I allowed it. I know the cruelty and the reality of love doesn't exist in the long run. Everything will eventually fades away. I know there's no forever, I know not everybody will stay by my side, forever. Why? Why do I have to through the pain of losing someone so precious to me, part of me? Why let it happen to me, when I was still young and free? Why, me? Why scarred me for the rest of my life? I'm gonna be 20 real soon, and this happens. I was told that the pass 20 years of my life, everything was a lie, was an act. The happiness was unreal, the smiles were fake, the love was forced, the bonds were frayed. I was the reason they're feeling miserable. Right now, I'm causing them pain and I'm broken too. Why? Why do you have to let me know thr truth? Why do you have to take everything away from me? Why do you want me to break down again and again? Why can't you let me be happy?

  It's affecting me so much everyday, I can't help but feel lifeless to carry on. I feel so exhausted of pretending, to make things right, to make myself better, to please them, to endure the pain of the knife stab in my flesh. I have lost the fighting spirit, the passion that I've felt, the motivation to excel, the responsibility to do well. And I'm inflicting pain into someone dear to me. Despite him being always here for me, I took him for granted and selfishly thinks that I should demand better. In fact, it's the best I've ever have. The only good thing that I have right now. I can't afford to lose this pillar of strength and love. I know I gotta change, but the time that I'm gonna take is probably gonna inflict more pain into him. I really think that I'm a jinx, that brings suffering to people around me. I think that people should probably stay away from me. Sometimes when I feel like letting him go, not because I don't valued him, but I want the best for him. I really don't wanna bring down more people with me. I don't want them to suffer with me, and for me to become their burden. I don't want to.

  I've lost the drive to do well in school too. It feels like I'm gonna arrive at an empty goal. I lost the passion I have when it started, the positive thoughts that motivates me to satisfy them. I don't wanna be complaining and not doing anything about it. It makes me feel like a whiny bitch. But all I want now is to take a little short break. To find that drive back, to prepare myself emotionally and mentally, to muster the courage to face all the bad situations, to adapt to the changes and current situations, to not take people around me for granted. I feel like being alone for a while. To be at a quiet place to sort out my thoughts and planned out exactly what to do. I really wish that money are grown on trees, gave by Santa Claus or dropped down by the sky. Because it's another main reason why I am defeated flat on the ground.

  I wished you could spare me from these sufferings and hopes being demolished. But I guess it's a tragedy that's just at the beginning of the climax. I don't know how much more you gonna break me. But I can assure you that I'm at the brink of giving up and letting go everything. Just one more tragedy that hits me, I might not take it anymore. Spare my sufferings, let me lead a normal life, for once...