.

  I should be catching up with school work during this week of study break but I'm addicted to 8 balls pool. Made a whole long list of things to be done, but mind thinking "oh you still got time, fuck care & shoot more balls to earn more coins." Seriously need to delete that app before I screwed up the rest of the break. Seriously....delete......it. Seriously.

  11 more days till I can see that moron. & it sucks. Honestly it sucks that I'm here all alone, not used to days without seeing him, sucks that he's not here for our 3 month, not here for our 100 days together (I know it sounds stupid what monthsary what 100 days. Gimme a break, I think it's cute, I'm in love, don't be jealous.) I'm afraid being apart create distance between us. In fact, I think it already did. Becoming insecure, paranoid, possessive all the bloody bullshits. I just have to keep telling myself that we can overcome this together. & be good to stay outta clubs/pubs and troubles. So the best it's to stay at home. And I am very proud to say, for the past 11 days I've been nowhere except school & home. Seriously, I think I got possessed, or there's a tumor in my head or I'm just stupidly in love with a block of wood. Oh well.......life is unexpectedly boring (much more boring than when he's with me) without him. Be back soon bitch.

  At least I won't have to worry what to wear to step outta house. What people think when our eyes meet. If my fats are bulging out from my pants or my cameltoe is showing. Having my ugly face floating around other human creatures...because human are judgemental. Admit or not. Your mind will speak but not your mouth. & because of the judgemental world, we change ourselves. We change who we are, to fit in, to get a recognition or just to get an acknowledgement. Things we are willing to do to look good it's crazy. It's crazy how we wanna please other people. When we, are emotionally upset about every single thing. Been losing weight, appetite getting smaller, getting thirsty easily and depress....I guess it's the side effects I've to go through. I needa do it.

  I'm someone who rarely takes initiative. Be it talking to strangers, engaging in a conversation, when I do that to you, it means you mean something to me & I'm trying. What makes me feel so sick, is that, I don't really try, and when I try, it screws up. Not appreciated, not known, taken for granted. So, after all these years of trying, questioning myself, feeling hurt for the no response towards my initiative, I've learn to fuck care too. I've stop trying. Because I am so fucking sick of being used. And I've given up, letting every single thing go. I won't pull it back anymore, I won't try to make things like as it is as before. I'm done, done being the fool, done being the toy.