.

躺在床上, 有着莫名的伤感。
今夜, 脑子里浮现了许多问号。
把我自己也考到了。。。

如果当时选择了离开, 为什么还要回来勾起我的回忆? (不是应为我还眷恋着, 而是回忆清楚不掉)

回来的目地是什么? 是想要晚会失去的感情? 突然想起了对方? 单纯的问后? 还是有不善的企图? 我清楚, 也明白, 过去的那些贱男人没有一个值得留恋, 想念或在乎他们的一切。可是, 我控制不了自己去想, 是因为想我了吗? 我只是单纯的知道, 他们发了那简单的问候, 拨了可是我没听的电话时, 在想什么? 是突然看到我的好了吗?

如果相爱, 就会天长地久吗? 如果珍惜就不会失去吗? 如果绝望了太久, 希望会出现吗? 如果终究会失去, 还会选择走一样的路吗? 如果明知道没有结果, 还会继续吗? 如果, 他爱自己比爱你多, 能接受吗? 如果明知道感情变了质, 为什么还要紧紧拉着? 如果明明就不开心, 为什么还选择留下? 如果被想念, 这代表在他心里已有了位子? 如果尽力了, 却看不到结果, 为什么还跳下去? 如果选择放弃, 死去是不是最好的选择? 如果有遗憾, 会选择弥补吗? 如果死了, 可以没有感觉吗? 如果我走了, 家里人的日子会不会比较好一点? 如果我走了, 多少人会知道, 在乎, 感伤, 想见我最候一面吗?

*如果你曾经深爱又想拥有的人回来, 你会放弃一切, 选择和他重新再来吗。。。?

为什么会有这些问题呢? 又是一个我回答不出的问题。。。

  Hey, it's been six years. Every year, I'll never fail to think about you. In fact, it's been rough these few days. Are you trynna tell me something my love?
  Remember when I told you that I'll fulfil the dreams that you didn't have a chance to? I'm not being selfish, but you're my motivation to pursue my dream. Maybe this isn't what you'll wish for, but I'm using you to be better. I'm sorry, I'm being selfish yet again. In fact, leaving you was the most selfish choice I've ever made. Till this day, I still seek for your forgiveness, and understanding. It's not that I don't love you, I do, I care for you, so I had to do it. I've been thinking about you, even till now.
  I hope that you're in a better place right now. I've been hearing frightful stories about what mean people could do to you, I hope you are not one of the victims. I pray, I wouldn't want you in that place my dear. I want you to be happy, because I've failed to do so. Please, tell me you're, tell me you're in a better place right now.
  It's been so long, I couldn't help but think what life would be if you're still around. You'll be older right now, like I am. You'll be holding my hands, be in my arms everyday. You'll be learning new things, you'll be able to share with me everything by now. You'll be the reason behind my smile, you'll be my motivation for life, you'll be my source of happiness.

   Missing you everyday. And do know that, I love you so much that it pains me to think about you. My lil angel, be happy,  be free, you'll always be in my heart. Forever and always, xo

我好累。
我真的不想继续了。。。
我很辛苦。
很痛。

好累, 好累。。。
不想再痛苦了。
救我。。。

可以放弃了吗。
可以离开了吗。

  You said it. I pushed you to your limits, and for the first time, you said it...

  Being away from you isn't as easy as I thought it will be. I used to see you more than 4 days a week, and this time, I had to survive not seeing you for 23 days. It really make a difference not seeing you, not being able to be in your embrace. I have my insecurities, my disagreement in your opinions, not being able to see you just make it a whole lot worst. And the day I've been afraid of came, you snapped.

  It broke my heart. But it got me thinking. Maybe, this is for the better. You deserve better. And I can finally leave this world in peace, without any regrets.

  I felt persistent in this decision, I was tired, I wanted to give up everything. But the thought of not having you by my side anymore, tears me apart. How am I suppose to go through life alone? How am I suppose to start over again? Am I gonna fall back into the old path again? When I saw your texts, I was being selfish, I want to have you by my side, so I wouldn't be alone. I selfishly kept you by my side. I was just thinking about me, not you.

  Today, I thought about you. I thought about how tiring it is to put up with my temper, my unreasonable arguments, my words that cuts like a knife. I wouldn't want to. And, I don't know why you're putting up to all these, that actually hurts you. Three months had past, our honeymoon period is gone. It got me thinking, are you happy now? I asked you if you were, and you told me as long as I am, you are too. I know, I am not thinking too much, you are not really happy, in this relationship, in these days. I wanted tk backup myself with more concrete proof to make myself believe in this tragedy. I went to look at your social platforms. Back in the days, you used to post up our sweet moments, photos etc. Recently, there are only disappointment, sadness and anger. I know, I caused this. It really pains me to dwell on the thought that, you don't...capture our moment anymore. Or maybe, there isn't any precious ones anymore. But, I gotta reflect, and I did.

  At this point, things are gonna be accelerated fast if things heats up between us. And sad to say, I'm afraid we might end up seperated in time to come. I hope it's just me being all pessimistic, but I just got a strong instinct that this, is the beginning of the end. I know if I want to change, I might just salvage this, and turn it better. But how long can I be nice? How long will it take for me to get things back to it were? I am unsure. I am unsure about our future. Things are bound to change when we get together for a period of time. I know, but I hope it didn't.

  Today, I thought, I can no longer bring you happiness. I can no longer be someone you are glad to have. In these three months, I gotta admit I led you into thinking I am the worst bitch you have ever met. And I admit, I am not good at relationships. All kinds of relationships. And today, I tried to be nice. I tried not to be a bitch and magnify all the little unsatisfactory I have for you. I told myself to understand, to be reasonable, to tell you how I feel instead of raging without telling. Because I am guilty. I am guilty that I just realise, I might not be the one for you. I have strong feelings, strong dependence on you. But I gotta say, we don't agree on much things, and in fact, we are quite different.

  I will try, as long as I can. As long as I think it's working. If not, I think it'll be a wiser choice to let you go. Because if I can't bring you happiness, will do I still want to force you to stay by my side. I can't be selfish anymore. If I love you, I gotta let you go...

  I'm sorry, I'm not perfect.
  I'm sorry, I failed to bring you happiness.