.

离开也不会有挂念。
让痛, 和呼吸一起消失。。。

  feeling like a knot in the middle of the robe in tug of war, the two ends that keeps running further away from each other, distance growing as it goes on. the knot, getting tighter and tighter, smaller and smaller, the harder it is to open it up.

  i know my flaws fairly well, bad tempered, enjoy sexual topics, insensitive, boring person. i guess that's why people turn their backs on me, so often that i've come to understand this pattern.
 
  - because i am fake.
    i don't speak what is on my mind. i say this in front of someone, and something else behind them. i backstab them because that's what I enjoy to do. I like to see my friends all hurt and damaged. I am a bitch.
  - because i am a manipulative.
    i use my friends to get what I want, what I need, make myself feel all so better about myself. because I like to step my friends down my feet and feel so superior above them. I am a bitch.
  - because i am a slut.
    i flirt with my friends boyfriends, go out with them, I sleep around oh-so-freely because I don't give a damn about their feelings. because I enjoy wearing their old shoes, I like them to feel inferior because i am capable of snatching of what belongs to them. I am a bitch.
  - because i will never sacrifice myself for them.
    i will never put them first, i will never sacrifice myself, my time, be there for them. because I think they are a waste of my time and they are never important. I am a bitch.
  - because i am a storyteller.
    i tell everybody stories to make other people hate my friends, i tell them how bad they are, so that they will love me more. they will put me as their first. because i am selfish, and i want all the attention to myself, i don't give a fuck about their feelings. I am a bitch.

  y'know what? i know i am none of these, are you one of these? all of these is no longer important, because i have seen the situation crystal clear right now. i have not go against my conscious to do unholy shit. i have done every single shit in my power to please, to be there, to sacrifice. but what's the point? if they don't see it, why waste my efforts.

  7 fucking years. i should be trusting them like my family. oh well, i did. what did i get in the end? i got their backs turn on me. or as well as i know, each other claim so. constantly trapped in this kind of fucked up situations, as I love equally. but I doubt they feel so. because it is always easier to walk away than fixing things up. because it is so hard to put their heads down. because 7 years is nothing. because I am so fucking worthless.

  from today onwards, i will be everything. i will be fake, i will act like some naive and innocent bitch to manipulate people around me, telling them stories to give me attention. I will never ever, sacrifice, my time, my effort for anybody, I will be a fucking slut that talk and flirt to my friends ex boyfriends, boyfriends, everybody around them. I will be a fucking bitch, because it is much easier to be, to feel than a fucking loser that is standing where i was 7 years ago still having the glimpse of hope that things will get better some day. And rest assure, I hate as much as you do right now. thanks for treating me like an unwanted trash. this time, i am not turning back, not lowering my head down, not giving in, not sacrificing anymore. i can be hurtless too.

  i guess it is better this way, as when the day i leave this place, it will be much easier.