.

  After you, I lost the ability to love. It might be the fear within me, it might the failed relationships I've seen. One thing that's crystal clear in my mind right now, I can't put my heart on the line anymore. & all I need right now is someone who can love me more than I can love him, someone who shower me the amount of care & concern to change me, to have the ability to trust, to love yet again.

  It's been 2 years, not that I can't get over you. & I'm genuinely happy for you that you are able to love yet again. But there's a stone in my heart, feeling that I've let you down, fearing that my debts aren't all cleared, the guilt that I'll never get over. I've let you down, what makes me think that I've the capability to not let abybody else down too. I'm beyond broken, I'm beyond fix. Because I don't trust love anymore. Because they will eventually leave me no matter what.

  I know that using cards to count my fate was a foolish enough act. But first time the result is that the problem lies with me, because I've unresolve issue with myself, and the second time was the same result, the third time I've to believe, that it is true, because I can't put my fears aside. I know that the feelings are there, maybe it's the lack of courage for them to confess. But, eventually, I've to get over myself. I still think that if I can't love myself, who will? Because I find no reason, any point worthy, to love myself. I've screw up in life a thousand times, I guess after all these while, I chose to give up myself before I could let anyone else in.

  But I know, if you give me a chance to love you right, I will. But I know, I need time to myself to fix me. Maybe it's months, or even years, or maybe never...I hope, sincerely, someone would eventually love me soon. Because these 2 years of being alone, having to go through shit alone, having to put up a strong front just to get on with life...

  Honestly, I'm sick and tired. Of being alone, standing all alone against the whole world. Please, be here soon. I need to love again.

I love the blur look on your face.
I love it when you brush off other girls because of me.
I love it when you say I'm the one that you want.
I love the way you got mad at lil things and throwing tantrums like a lil kid.
I love how safe it feels to lie on your shoulders.
I love it when something so embarrassing happened & you still didn't mind.
I love it when I'm in your arms.
I love it when you hug me from behind.
I love how tender your kiss is.
I love it when you kiss me like a woodpecker.
I love it when I look into your eyes & I cant help but feel in love.
I love it when we say nothing and just smile to each other.
I love how you woke me up by planting kisses on my face.
I love it when you made breakfast for me while I'm still asleep.
I love the sugar tomatoes you made.
I love how you sheltered me from the sun.
I love it when I'm lying at your chest & I could hear your heartbeat.
I love it when you say that you can't bear to see me leave.
I love it when you took the trouble to send me home with horrendous outfit.

& most importantly,
I love it when you said,
'I found your soul.'

为什么,
爱会变恨?
为什么,
希望总会变失望?
为什么,
坚持久了还是会放弃?
为什么,
努力却得不到结果?
为什么,
想挽回但还是牵不到你的手?
为什么,
后悔却不能改变些什么?
为什么,
痛还装作若无其事?
为什么,
想念却回不到从前?
为什么,
时间总会冲淡感情?
为什么,
在你身边你却看不到我?
为什么,
失去了才懂得要珍惜?
为什么,
误会却不解释?
为什么,
彼此关心却选择不问不稳?
为什么,
缘分把俩人凑在一起却总局分开?
为什么,
回头但一切还是无法改变?
为什么,
明知错还是去做?
为什么,
知道是陷阱却一头埋进去?
为什么?
付出却不一定有回报?
为什么,
快乐不能是永恒?
为什么,
等到离开才知道不能再回头?
为什么,
保护会变成伤害?
为什么,
改变了些什么却又不能改写了些什么?

不是每个为什么都有答案。
寻找, 逃避, 放弃, 还是空。